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SHATTERED PIECES - OTEP |
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i am making this entry to explain my life right now, yes it is public and yes it cannot be commented on, i dont want comments, i just want you to read this and try to understand me and where i have been and what i have been through
this is so i can explain to people i have just met or dont know me very well, there is so much i do have to deal with and think about constantly each and every day
- i just need people to read this and understand this, i'm not looking for sympathy, i'm looking for understanding
i am not at uni this year due to a legal battle i am in with my school, i am not dumb, i am not a drop out and foodtown is not my dream job - it just brings the money in, i am smart i used to do biology, english, 2 x art, history geography etc, i am a smart girl, i write in the top 30% of the country for essays - this fight with my school has been going on since january, its at barristers and lawyers, its a very big stress, seeing as if i do not get these credits i will have to wait untill i am 20 just to go to uni
my love life is a crime scene.......
my on again off again boy friend of 5-6 years last year raped me, i has left a void that cannot be filled and a constant fear of men, its hard explaining this to each guy i start to remotely get involved with, i mean what a bomb to drop? but i cant not say it, i cant not inform people of it because denying it means it never happened and it did, it was very real, i will never get the feel of his hands pinning my wrists down, or the pressure of his body, the pain of how it hurt, the feel of my face pressed into the mattress ever out of my head - i saw him earlier this year, i froze in dead fear and ran
i have a fear, well more of a caution of nz music men, why? because i got burned very badly by a ex who was in it which spread to two bands a spanned a war between him and his mates and me and mine, when i went out with him? he got suicidal on me - which in turn made me suicidal - it was to date the worst ever first date in my life- i'd like to keep it that way - but he was pretty fucked so i'm very sure i will never meet another like him
i have clinical depression - i've had this since i was 16, so i can get down pretty easy and very fast, i have been on happy pills and it did not agree with me, so please dont suggest i go back on them
people who know me will know that i am a happy person 90% of the time, i am entitled to my 10% of non happy time and i do need it
i just needed to explain this, i was compelled to do this post, it had to be done, this is a part of me, this is what i have come from, and i am still here alive and kicking, but i want you to know me on a deeper meaningful level, know me from what i have been through, respect me for i am still alive after failed suicide attempts over the years, just understand me
if i had one request for you do to for me, listen to this song, if i could sum up how i do feel half the time, this song is like a page right from how i feel.
SHATTERED PIECES - OTEP
and this is how the world died
and this is how the world died
...i can hear you judging me.
[i'll hear your confession]
I FOUND THE BEST PIECE OF ME
[kneel down]
ALONE, SHIVERING IN THE DARK
[place your face between my thighs]
3 CENTIMETERS TALL
[& talk to God...]
EATING IT'S HEART
.. but you will not feast on me today.
this is how the world died.
WHO WILL SLAY THIS THING?
[i forgive you]
WHO WILL PLAY THE BUTCHER & END MY SUFFERING?
[i forgive you]
... i fucked the minds of the masses with the fingers of liberty.
THIS IS NOT A THREAT. [this is not a threat]
i'm not perfect, i'm not a beauty queen, i'm just me.
[no one escapes this life alive]
WE ARE ALL,
PRISONERS HERE.
[all shapes & sizes]
... i scream for all the women i've never been but i hoped i would be.
[i'm proud of who i am]
FOREVER, CHASING THE SUN.
[i'm proud of me]
... she bites her trembling mind.
IT BEGAN AS ALL TRAGEDIES DO,
[forgive me, she's the one, forgive me]
WITH PAIN & DECEPTION.
... if you'll be the paper, i'll be the pen.
AND THIS IS IT .. [i've tasted hell, & it tastes just like you]
MY FINAL PLEA.
NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE ME.
NO ONE IS GOING TO CHANGE THINGS.
THE ANSWERS WILL NOT DROP FROM THE SKY.
I WILL NOT ONEDAY WAKE WITH A DIFFERENT DISGUISE.
THE ONLY SOLUTION ... IS REVOLUTION.
[art is war ... fight, fight]
[[pain makes me safe]]
.. the odds were always against me.
[lose weight/clearly think]
I EXIST.
I AM BROKEN.
I EXIST.
I AM BROKEN.
.. if god is my father then i am an orphan.
I AM BROKEN.
I'M NOT A MISTAKE
[my ancestry is a ghost story]
I'M A PROPHECY
[my love life is a crime scene]
I'M AN OMEN
[my self-esteem is a string of unsolved murders]
THE RADIO IS BRAINWASHING ME,
FILLING MY HEAD WITH THESE SELF-CONSPIRACIES.
.. i am an emotional nightmare ..
I CAN'T HIDE THE PAIN INSIDE
[builder of my own mythology]
JUST TELL ME ... YOU'RE LISTENING.
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